The year 2012 has been one crazy ass year. It's literally been the year of never ending problems. The biggest of which is my issue with love this year. I say this a lot, and maybe eventually I'll shut the hell up about it, but being gay is tough. Some days I wake up and I think to myself "How have I not ended it yet? How am I still pushing forward? All I want to do today is lay in bed, cry, and possibly cut myself" but then I push myself out of bed and hop in the shower and move on.
It all started with a friend I fell in love with. He's straight so there was never any chance of me being with him, but love does some crazy stuff to your brain. I over analyzed everything to convince myself I had and still have a chance. He was funny, smart, driven, helpful, but most of all he cared. He legitimately cared about me and my well being. When I was upset he'd talk to me. He really wanted me to feel better. All of his flaws faded away as I fell for him. He wasn't the most attractive person in the world, but to me he was the only person in the world. My life literally revolved around him. I went out late to places I hated just to be with him. Even after I told him how I felt he never really changed how he acted towards me and we were still great friends, which was terrible for me because I fell for him even harder. All I wanted was to be given even a chance with him. To bring him the happiness he brought me. But that day never came, and probably never will.
I have this consistent issue with falling for guys who are straight, and I think I finally figured out why. This year I recently started trying to understand myself better. In doing so and after much investigation, thought, and analysis; I realized I'm gender queer. I'm gender fluid. Internally I don't find myself fitting with any one gender. Sometimes I feel very masculine. Sometimes, most of the time honestly, I feel very feminine. I have no control over it. It just goes in and out. Sometimes I don't even find myself fitting any one gender. So now I find that I'm gay and gender queer.
One problem I've found this gives myself is that I have a hard time understanding cisgendered people. I fall in love with someone, and I just can't figure out why they won't feel the same way about me. So I'll fall in love with a straight guy and sit their crying wondering why they won't just love me because internally I feel just as beautiful and feminine as any biological woman with a vagina. But then I look in a mirror. I'll see what they see. It's not what they're sexually attracted to, and it crushes me. It crushes me that I can't give the people I love what they want out of myself. Sometimes I hate the body I was born into so much, to the point that I've even thought about sex changes. But when my gender is so fluid it's really pointless to make such a drastic and irreversible change to myself just to please other people, especially when a lot of straight guys would still not go for me after all was said and done.
I always fall for straight guys. I think I've only ever had a crush on one or two gay guys. Honestly, I think this year I also discovered why I do that. I suffer from depression and anxiety a lot, and I'm always stressed out and tense. Straight men tend to have a very relaxed and stress free persona that I feed off of. When I'm with a guy I like that's like that, it calms me down. In those moments it's like I'm medicated. Drugged. Free. All of the anxiety goes away. The stress is lifted off my shoulders. All that's there is me and him. But nothing will or ever can come of it, and men move on to women and then I get left behind to fall back into the darkness that I've always struggled to fight off.
Every time I try to make a change to this ongoing issue I have, it turns out terrible. The gay guy I like is liked by a mutual friend and it would cause to much drama to be with them. Or a guy likes me and I don't feel the same way. I'll go out to clubs or go hang out with people and I'll just feel like the ugly or weird one in the group because a lot of times the guys don't really pay me any attention. I've even gone as far as internet sites to find someone to be with and it's always the same. I don't know what it is with the gay community and their online search for one night stands and hookups but it's just not what I'm looking for. I want to meet someone. I want to become good friends with them. I want to go out on dates. I want to have something meaningful before I let them bring down all of my walls and get that close to me. So online searching is pointless and not very fruitful.
So that leaves me where I am now. Single. Lonely. Still madly, deeply, unquestionably in love with a man who will never love me back. Crying at night hoping things will get better. All I can think to myself is "Will it? Will I find real Love in the 21st Century?"
