Love in the 21st Century

It's been a long time since I've actually blogged about anything, or wrote in general. According to blogger, I haven't wrote anything in about a year. But lately I've had too many late nights thinking too much and crying too much and I just need to get some stuff off my chest.

The year 2012 has been one crazy ass year. It's literally been the year of never ending problems. The biggest of which is my issue with love this year. I say this a lot, and maybe eventually I'll shut the hell up about it, but being gay is tough. Some days I wake up and I think to myself  "How have I not ended it yet? How am I still pushing forward? All I want to do today is lay in bed, cry, and possibly cut myself" but then I push myself out of bed and hop in the shower and move on.

It all started with a friend I fell in love with. He's straight so there was never any chance of me being with him, but love does some crazy stuff to your brain. I over analyzed everything to convince myself I had and still have a chance. He was funny, smart, driven, helpful, but most of all he cared. He legitimately cared about me and my well being. When I was upset he'd talk to me. He really wanted me to feel better. All of his flaws faded away as I fell for him. He wasn't the most attractive person in the world, but to me he was the only person in the world. My life literally revolved around him. I went out late to places I hated just to be with him. Even after I told him how I felt he never really changed how he acted towards me and we were still great friends, which was terrible for me because I fell for him even harder. All I wanted was to be given even a chance with him. To bring him the happiness he brought me. But that day never came, and probably never will.

I have this consistent issue with falling for guys who are straight, and I think I finally figured out why. This year I recently started trying to understand myself better. In doing so and after much investigation, thought, and analysis; I realized I'm gender queer. I'm gender fluid. Internally I don't find myself fitting with any one gender. Sometimes I feel very masculine. Sometimes, most of the time honestly, I feel very feminine. I have no control over it. It just goes in and out. Sometimes I don't even find myself fitting any one gender. So now I find that I'm gay and gender queer.

One problem I've found this gives myself is that I have a hard time understanding cisgendered people. I fall in love with someone, and I just can't figure out why they won't feel the same way about me. So I'll fall in love with a straight guy and sit their crying wondering why they won't just love me because internally I feel just as beautiful and feminine as any biological woman with a vagina. But then I look in a mirror. I'll see what they see. It's not what they're sexually attracted to, and it crushes me. It crushes me that I can't give the people I love what they want out of myself. Sometimes I hate the body I was born into so much, to the point that I've even thought about sex changes. But when my gender is so fluid it's really pointless to make such a drastic and irreversible change to myself just to please other people, especially when a lot of straight guys would still not go for me after all was said and done.

I always fall for straight guys. I think I've only ever had a crush on one or two gay guys. Honestly, I think this year I also discovered why I do that. I suffer from depression and anxiety a lot, and I'm always stressed out and tense. Straight men tend to have a very relaxed and stress free persona that I feed off of. When I'm with a guy I like that's like that, it calms me down. In those moments it's like I'm medicated. Drugged. Free. All of the anxiety goes away. The stress is lifted off my shoulders. All that's there is me and him. But nothing will or ever can come of it, and men move on to women and then I get left behind to fall back into the darkness that I've always struggled to fight off.

Every time I try to make a change to this ongoing issue I have, it turns out terrible. The gay guy I like is liked by a mutual friend and it would cause to much drama to be with them. Or a guy likes me and I don't feel the same way. I'll go out to clubs or go hang out with people and I'll just feel like the ugly or weird one in the group because a lot of times the guys don't really pay me any attention. I've even gone as far as internet sites to find someone to be with and it's always the same. I don't know what it is with the gay community and their online search for one night stands and hookups but it's just not what I'm looking for. I want to meet someone. I want to become good friends with them. I want to go out on dates. I want to have something meaningful before I let them bring down all of my walls and get that close to me. So online searching is pointless and not very fruitful.

So that leaves me where I am now. Single. Lonely. Still madly, deeply, unquestionably in love with a man who will never love me back. Crying at night hoping things will get better. All I can think to myself is "Will it? Will I find real Love in the 21st Century?"

It's Me. Only me...

     I've been going through a lot the past 4 or so months. Consistent work struggles, friends leaving, life progressing, financial decisions, and figuring out consistently who am I? I've come home from work many a nights crying. I've had no one to turn to, because everyone is miles and miles away from me. I've had myself to rely on. It's kind of a tough love, especially when you don't really love yourself. When everyone is gone. When you're left with no one. When you're sitting at home alone bored. You see your priorities so much more clearly. You see your dreams and ambitions more clearly. You see how you actually feel more clearly. 

     During this time, I realized how much I depended on my friends. They were my rocks. I loved them so much. But how much I relied on them was detrimental for my  progress in life. Letting them go was probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But I went on thinking "oh they'll be back and I'll see them again" and I held onto that. As time passed most of them realized how much they loved where they were. How they didn't want to come back. How they can't imagine living in waxhaw after what they got to experience. Completely understandable too. I guess I took it personally though. It wasn't just "I don't wanna come back to waxhaw, I think I want to move out here" it turned into "Chad isn't enough to keep me held up in waxhaw". It kind of crushed me. But as the days of dealing with that reality progressed and realizing how selfish it is for me to expect people to hold their lives with me and never move on without me I've developed a dependence. Shoot, if I had half the opportunities as these genius friends of mine I'd be out of here in a heartbeat too. A good friend doesn't hold their friends down. They boost them up. I'm not going to be that person who holds their friend from reaching all the heights that they can reach. I want every single one of my friends to go out and live. Make a name for themselves in this world. Live their dreams. That's why I'm letting go of them. Just a little. Just enough to not hurt when I stop receiving facebook posts and texts from them.



    When it comes to my education I have high expectations of myself. I made a very stupid mistake in my life. I dropped out of high school which got rid of so many of my chances. So many opportunities gone in that emotional decision I made. But I can't undo the past. I have to make things right in the here and now. I'm 19 now. Going on 20 soon. I keep freaking out about getting into school RIGHT NOW.  Unfortunately my friends don't help with that much either... But it's not easy for me. I've been out of school for a while. College isn't affordable. I'm trying for FAFSA, but it's a complicated process and I'm really slow at getting stuff done. I need to stop rushing. I need to just take things slow. When I get my fafsa in, great. I'll start school as soon as I can with the money. Until then I'm going to stop basing my education around graduating at the same time as my friends. I'm going to school for ME. Not my friends. Not my parents. Not strangers. I'm going for me, so that I can get a degree to pursue my dreams of reaching out to people and giving them a voice. So that I can be happier and not have to work retail. I will finish it on my own time. I can do it on my own. It will be ok, even if I don't get my degree until my 30's. I'll be ok, I won't stop working for my degree. I will always continue pursuing my education, that's something that isn't up for question and that's what is important.

     As for my current job. I'm working at Target still. It's not bad. I could have a much worse job. I went through a bit of a roller coaster with my job. I worked back in electronics for nearly a year, and when a position with higher pay that was a step closer towards leadership positions opened up I was dying for a chance to get that job. It was back in Electronics, so I knew the majority of what was needed and wouldn't need much training. I got my interview. I lost out on all 4 positions. One of which was to someone who had worked at Target for maybe a month. Needless to say, it completely crushed me. I was on the verge of quitting. I went home from my job crying nearly every day. I felt like the company I worked for didn't think I could handle a better position. I felt like I was that easily overlooked employee. I felt useless and unwanted. Time went on, and I sort of got over it. But electronics was never the same. I had to leave, and so now I'm working at starbucks in Target. It's ok, I love coffee so it pretty much works out aside from the major stress and the crazyness over there. But I'll make it.


     I've been trying to move out for a while now. My parents basically said "Hey, we don't want you to live here anymore. Please find a new place to live so we can all be happy. We'll help" and so that's how that all started. But I'm terrible at saving money. On top of that I have so much going on with trying for college, work, and so many other things that I barely have time to be looking for an apartment. It's not easy finding an apartment for cheap that isn't a piece of crap, that's near your job and your roommates.


 I think the point of this blog in short is that I've come to depend upon myself. I can't rely on other people to be my rocks. I can't beg the universe for a boyfriend to come in and help me not be sad. I have to stand up. I have to be the one to build myself back up. I have to defeat my demons. No one else can do that. Where my friends used to come in and help save the day, I have to do that now. I am my own hero now. I love my friends, but I can't care about what they think so much anymore. We're all different. I have to focus on me these days. Life isn't going to sit there and pat my back and tell me it's going to get better. I have to grab life by the balls and make things work out. This blog surprisingly means a lot to me. It's much needed self reflection, which I haven't done in a while. It's closure on a life I once lived. I'm entering a solitary life. A life where I don't have as many friends. Where I don't have anyone else to go to. It's terrifying, but at the same time it's important that I do this. It's my chance to stop being a teen. It's time to be an adult and do this thing.

 

The Price you Pay to be Strong.

        Quite recently I've been in a sort of funk. I've come to realize that within the gay community, every LGBT member has a way of coping with the world. Some turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, and so on. Some find good outlets. Some get angry. Some get depressed. But every single one of us finds a way to cope with the world, because it's impossible for us to not do so when we are so widely unaccepted. Granted, it's changing. It's changing big time out there. But the fear of being punched in the face when we walk out the door, or being harassed in our workplace, or being made fun of on a constant basis never leaves us.

        Sometimes though I wonder if I picked the worst way to cope. In my efforts to make the world easier on me, I devalued myself. I removed the value in myself and placed that value in others. This devaluing of myself has caused an unrelenting and impossibly complicated depression. One where suicide is always on your mind, but never an option. One where you're always wearing a plastic smile, always fighting back tears, and never truly happy no matter the circumstance. It's left me cold and uncaring to myself. I can't find an importance in myself or in my place in the world.

        What it has done though is placed more values on others. Every issue I have, I fight for the issues of others going through the same thing. Every person who is made fun of, bullied, harassed, physically assaulted, raped, crying at night, or who kills themselves. I value them so much. The amount of care I have for every one of those people is paramount to anything else in my life. People are my life goals. All I want out of my life is to make sure that people are being treated equally and fairly. I don't care about myself. I don't care about myself at all. If someone told me I'm going to die tomorrow, it wouldn't phase me. I'd be more worried about how I was going to use that time to make sure something changed than the fact that I was going to die.

       I only worry if this is actually healthy though. What happens when you lose the value in yourself? When death is such an easy out but you aren't selfish enough to commit to it. What can come of my life if I don't spend time on me? Sometimes I worry that maybe I'm being too selfish. Because often I'll find myself talking about the issues I worry about so much, that I'm afraid people will think all I do is talk about myself. I literally count the amount of times I talk about myself in a conversation so that I can make sure I limit it. Is what I'm losing, the value in myself, worth the strength it takes to stand up and say No when people tell me how I should live my life? Is losing my self worth really worth it, to go through the agony of living every single day? Or am I completely overanalyzing all of this, and is this something everyone actually goes through? How can I know?

        I'm remarkably confused about life in general, especially about who I am and what I'm doing in life right now. College is looking more and more difficult the more I try to get into it. Financially I'm in a funk because on minimum wage, or a bit above it, it's still near impossible to make it on your own right now. I don't know what I'm doing, I'm stressed out, I'm depressed, I find myself crying almost every night, every day I cry on my way home from work because of my job. Everything is getting to me. How do I stay strong when I have nothing for me, because I've placed it all in everyone else. If I'm not talking to someone, I'm so alone. I have no idea what to do with myself. When I'm by myself, I'm more than alone. Who would of thought it was possible to even be more than alone.

Everything is Change

So I'm blogging because I haven't in a while. If it's a little all over the place and slightly sloppy, I'm not gonna lie. I've been drinking a little bit.

Everything lately is changing. All of my friends have left for college. I'm missing like 10-15 great friends because of college. Most are hours and hours away from me. It really sucks. 2 of these people I miss to death already. I went to them for almost everything. We cried together, laughed together, grew together, and loved together. My first time at a club was because of these two and now I don't think I can go to another without one of them there. Just everything about these 2 makes me happy. I'm so proud of them and everything they've done and are working to achieve. I just hope to God they don't leave forever and we stop talking. Probably one of my BIGGEST fears right now is losing these two. I can't live without them.

In general I'm pretty happy lately. I'm coming out of the small shell I had in the first place. I'm being more flirty with strangers and not afraid to talk to new people. I had some success with some guys lately, but none nearby which sucks. I need to find someone close to home. I'm ready for a relationship. I want something between me and someone else. Something of significance.

The only thing I'm not happy with is my lack of friends now. I'm trying to hang out with work friends some more... but it's not worked yet. No one wants to hang out with me, aside from my BFF of course. So i'm striking up conversation with some of my old christian friends lately. Some of it unintentional, some of it intentional, and some of it me being drunk and lonely like tonight. I like them all a lot. i want those friendships still. I really do. I need people in my life to cling to. But these people... they just don't understand accept or love me for me. So I don't know why I'm putting myself through that.

I guess I'm done venting for the most part. Updates on more of my lifes and the going's on some other day!

BAI!

Apathy. It really is the best policy.

So tonight I talked to this guy. He's a christian. Obviously he wants me to turn to God. He's actually really nice though. Love the guy. He did however say I was arrogant and pretty selfish and prideful. Well, I mean. I guess I can kind of see where he's coming from, but no. So instead of trying to turn to God and become this lovely little guy with no problems. I'm going to fucking push on through. I'm not going to turn to God and so what if all my fucking problems get worse.

One thing I'm learning is that every time I get close to the edge. Where I'm one step away from taking that leap into a bottle of tylenol PM. I'll bounce right back up. But better. I can feel this demon. This other Chad. This evil version of myself. Who's selfish, full of himself, prideful, bitchy, arrogant, apathetic to the people around him. I like this Chad. I like him a lot. So the more the world pushes me into my dark desperate hole of despair, so long as I don't allow myself to get trapped down in that moment before suicide. I'm going to keep coming out strong.

So if you think i'm selfish. If you think I'm arrogant. If you think i'm anything that I don't believe I currently am. I'm about to show you a whole new world. Fuck everyone. I am here for me myself and I now. I will do whatever it takes to make it to wherever I want to go. If you get in my way, I feel sorry for you. I will tear you down and break you, and hopefully you'll live to see another day. No more killing people with niceness. So fuck you God. Fuck you and everything you stand for, because as of right now my official goal is to be everything your Book stands AGAINST.

:) 

Gaga

So, I've come to realize that not everyone loves Lady Gaga as much as I do. So I'm writing this blog to help people who don't understand Gaga or why her fans love her so much, better understand why. To start I will share a couple of her songs from her CDs that accurately describe her and what she stands for.

Born This Way :

Lyrics: http://www.metrolyrics.com/born-this-way-lyrics-lady-gaga.html

Hair :

Lyrics : http://www.metrolyrics.com/hair-lyrics-lady-gaga.html

Bad Kids :

Lyrics : http://www.metrolyrics.com/bad-kids-lyrics-lady-gaga.html

The Queen :

Lyrics : http://www.metrolyrics.com/bad-kids-lyrics-lady-gaga.html

Dance In The Dark :

Lyrics : http://www.metrolyrics.com/dance-in-the-dark-lyrics-lady-gaga.html

Those are the songs that, in my opinion, best describe her as far as she's tried to describe for herself. However I feel as though I should include my reasons, considering I am a little monster and all.

Gaga has become a sort of spokesperson, public face, figure for every underdog out there. For every minority and every single person who's ever cried at night because of being bullied or how they felt about themselves. She helps to give us a voice, and writes music to allow us to love our insecurities. To love our differences. To love what makes us unique and different. Whether that may be weight, sexual orientation, gender identity, race, religion or lack there of. It doesn't matter. She want's you to stand up and be proud for being you. 

This may not sound so important for people who don't struggle with depression, with insecurity, with self confidence. For people who weren't bullied, or for the bullies themselves, this may sound like bull shit. But for those of us who have thought about killing ourselves. For those of us who've gone to sleep crying at night because we can't change what the world wants us to change. She encourages us to love who we are and what we are, and she reminds us that there ARE people out there just like us who love each other so much without even knowing each other. Even if society won't accept who were and just wants to push us down, we're reminded through gaga that there are people out there who still do. That's all the encouragement needed for some people to put away those terrible thoughts about themselves, and that's why I'm proud to be a Gaga fan and love her so much.

I hope this has helped you understand better why people love Gaga.  

Dear Anonymous

I'm writing this to you because as you already know, I can write everything I'm feeling and thinking in a blog post better than I can personally. I'm not naming names, because that would be weird, uncomfortable for both of us, and because it's unnecessary. Maybe this entire post is but I think you should know everything instead of me bottling it all up, especially since it seems like you can handle most anything I throw your way.

As you know, anonymous, I've been totally crushing on you since I met you. It's a toxic crush really, because obviously nothing will ever happen because your straight. But also for many many more reasons. I was hoping telling you would make things awkward and you would be grossed out and go away and leave me alone so I could get over you easily. I didn't want it to have to be that way, obviously. But it's the only way I can think of to fix this predicament I'm in. You decided to do exactly what I thought you wouldn't do, and you said you didn't care.That made everything even worse because you impressed me with how accepting and loving you can STILL be no matter how awkward I make things.

So now I'm crushing harder than ever, and you're trying harder than ever, and I'm hurting more than ever. You refuse to give up. I refuse to give in. It's something I can't do. What you're asking isn't something that can be done. It's like you're telling me if I jump into a pool that has a plugged in toaster thrown in, I can swim laps with no problem. What you want from me isn't possible. I just can't do it. I wish you would just understand this. I wish I could do it. I really do, but I can't.

I don't think what I'm asking out of you is too ridiculous. I don't think it'd be too hard on your part. I'v known you for a couple months. Nothing I've done could have possibly impacted you nearly as much as you have me, so stop acting like it's a big deal.

The weirdest thing is you aren't even the kind of guy I fall for. There's not really any physical attraction. Everything you stand for is polar opposite of everything I stand for. The only reason I feel this way is because you make me feel safe. You make me feel like everything is going to be ok. I always have someone I can lean on. I can be myself around you. I don't have to pretend around you. I actually feel genuinely loved.

But none of that matters. So why are you tearing me apart like this. Please just go away for my own good, or learn to accept me entirely. When I drink, you're on my mind. When I'm doing drugs, you're on my mind. When I'm sober, you're on my mind. When I'm considering crazy rational actions, you're on my mind. It's not healthy, and it's got to stop. So figure out a good alternative, or you have to leave.