It's Me. Only me...

     I've been going through a lot the past 4 or so months. Consistent work struggles, friends leaving, life progressing, financial decisions, and figuring out consistently who am I? I've come home from work many a nights crying. I've had no one to turn to, because everyone is miles and miles away from me. I've had myself to rely on. It's kind of a tough love, especially when you don't really love yourself. When everyone is gone. When you're left with no one. When you're sitting at home alone bored. You see your priorities so much more clearly. You see your dreams and ambitions more clearly. You see how you actually feel more clearly. 

     During this time, I realized how much I depended on my friends. They were my rocks. I loved them so much. But how much I relied on them was detrimental for my  progress in life. Letting them go was probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But I went on thinking "oh they'll be back and I'll see them again" and I held onto that. As time passed most of them realized how much they loved where they were. How they didn't want to come back. How they can't imagine living in waxhaw after what they got to experience. Completely understandable too. I guess I took it personally though. It wasn't just "I don't wanna come back to waxhaw, I think I want to move out here" it turned into "Chad isn't enough to keep me held up in waxhaw". It kind of crushed me. But as the days of dealing with that reality progressed and realizing how selfish it is for me to expect people to hold their lives with me and never move on without me I've developed a dependence. Shoot, if I had half the opportunities as these genius friends of mine I'd be out of here in a heartbeat too. A good friend doesn't hold their friends down. They boost them up. I'm not going to be that person who holds their friend from reaching all the heights that they can reach. I want every single one of my friends to go out and live. Make a name for themselves in this world. Live their dreams. That's why I'm letting go of them. Just a little. Just enough to not hurt when I stop receiving facebook posts and texts from them.



    When it comes to my education I have high expectations of myself. I made a very stupid mistake in my life. I dropped out of high school which got rid of so many of my chances. So many opportunities gone in that emotional decision I made. But I can't undo the past. I have to make things right in the here and now. I'm 19 now. Going on 20 soon. I keep freaking out about getting into school RIGHT NOW.  Unfortunately my friends don't help with that much either... But it's not easy for me. I've been out of school for a while. College isn't affordable. I'm trying for FAFSA, but it's a complicated process and I'm really slow at getting stuff done. I need to stop rushing. I need to just take things slow. When I get my fafsa in, great. I'll start school as soon as I can with the money. Until then I'm going to stop basing my education around graduating at the same time as my friends. I'm going to school for ME. Not my friends. Not my parents. Not strangers. I'm going for me, so that I can get a degree to pursue my dreams of reaching out to people and giving them a voice. So that I can be happier and not have to work retail. I will finish it on my own time. I can do it on my own. It will be ok, even if I don't get my degree until my 30's. I'll be ok, I won't stop working for my degree. I will always continue pursuing my education, that's something that isn't up for question and that's what is important.

     As for my current job. I'm working at Target still. It's not bad. I could have a much worse job. I went through a bit of a roller coaster with my job. I worked back in electronics for nearly a year, and when a position with higher pay that was a step closer towards leadership positions opened up I was dying for a chance to get that job. It was back in Electronics, so I knew the majority of what was needed and wouldn't need much training. I got my interview. I lost out on all 4 positions. One of which was to someone who had worked at Target for maybe a month. Needless to say, it completely crushed me. I was on the verge of quitting. I went home from my job crying nearly every day. I felt like the company I worked for didn't think I could handle a better position. I felt like I was that easily overlooked employee. I felt useless and unwanted. Time went on, and I sort of got over it. But electronics was never the same. I had to leave, and so now I'm working at starbucks in Target. It's ok, I love coffee so it pretty much works out aside from the major stress and the crazyness over there. But I'll make it.


     I've been trying to move out for a while now. My parents basically said "Hey, we don't want you to live here anymore. Please find a new place to live so we can all be happy. We'll help" and so that's how that all started. But I'm terrible at saving money. On top of that I have so much going on with trying for college, work, and so many other things that I barely have time to be looking for an apartment. It's not easy finding an apartment for cheap that isn't a piece of crap, that's near your job and your roommates.


 I think the point of this blog in short is that I've come to depend upon myself. I can't rely on other people to be my rocks. I can't beg the universe for a boyfriend to come in and help me not be sad. I have to stand up. I have to be the one to build myself back up. I have to defeat my demons. No one else can do that. Where my friends used to come in and help save the day, I have to do that now. I am my own hero now. I love my friends, but I can't care about what they think so much anymore. We're all different. I have to focus on me these days. Life isn't going to sit there and pat my back and tell me it's going to get better. I have to grab life by the balls and make things work out. This blog surprisingly means a lot to me. It's much needed self reflection, which I haven't done in a while. It's closure on a life I once lived. I'm entering a solitary life. A life where I don't have as many friends. Where I don't have anyone else to go to. It's terrifying, but at the same time it's important that I do this. It's my chance to stop being a teen. It's time to be an adult and do this thing.