I'm writing this to you because as you already know, I can write everything I'm feeling and thinking in a blog post better than I can personally. I'm not naming names, because that would be weird, uncomfortable for both of us, and because it's unnecessary. Maybe this entire post is but I think you should know everything instead of me bottling it all up, especially since it seems like you can handle most anything I throw your way.
As you know, anonymous, I've been totally crushing on you since I met you. It's a toxic crush really, because obviously nothing will ever happen because your straight. But also for many many more reasons. I was hoping telling you would make things awkward and you would be grossed out and go away and leave me alone so I could get over you easily. I didn't want it to have to be that way, obviously. But it's the only way I can think of to fix this predicament I'm in. You decided to do exactly what I thought you wouldn't do, and you said you didn't care.That made everything even worse because you impressed me with how accepting and loving you can STILL be no matter how awkward I make things.
So now I'm crushing harder than ever, and you're trying harder than ever, and I'm hurting more than ever. You refuse to give up. I refuse to give in. It's something I can't do. What you're asking isn't something that can be done. It's like you're telling me if I jump into a pool that has a plugged in toaster thrown in, I can swim laps with no problem. What you want from me isn't possible. I just can't do it. I wish you would just understand this. I wish I could do it. I really do, but I can't.
I don't think what I'm asking out of you is too ridiculous. I don't think it'd be too hard on your part. I'v known you for a couple months. Nothing I've done could have possibly impacted you nearly as much as you have me, so stop acting like it's a big deal.
The weirdest thing is you aren't even the kind of guy I fall for. There's not really any physical attraction. Everything you stand for is polar opposite of everything I stand for. The only reason I feel this way is because you make me feel safe. You make me feel like everything is going to be ok. I always have someone I can lean on. I can be myself around you. I don't have to pretend around you. I actually feel genuinely loved.
But none of that matters. So why are you tearing me apart like this. Please just go away for my own good, or learn to accept me entirely. When I drink, you're on my mind. When I'm doing drugs, you're on my mind. When I'm sober, you're on my mind. When I'm considering crazy rational actions, you're on my mind. It's not healthy, and it's got to stop. So figure out a good alternative, or you have to leave.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Turning Tables
I really can't stand my bad romance these days with people. Like. It should not be physically possible to love people so much that the things they even stand for and and think hurt you. It's like a damn relationship and it's not even a relationship. There is no relationship here. I could understand if I was dating a guy and he suddenly turned into some monster and it was killing me the way he was acting because I clearly liked him a lot. But when it's just a group of friends you really like who tear you to pieces, and they don't even say anything every time you're around them. It's seriously ridiculous.
I honestly can't say I don't regret these past couple months. If I did I would be lying. I appreciate what I've gained from the people I've met but I could seriously do without the pain it caused and is still to this day causing. I am seeing a therapist tomorrow just because I need to talk to a third party who can help me figure shit out. I'm so filled with anxiety and depression these days because of what I put myself through. I shouldn't have done any of that. I should have stayed a cold hearted stone in the world. Apathy was literally the best cure to emotional pain. But now I feel things. Things that feel good, but more often lately are things that feel bad. Very bad.
None of these people even understand. They don't. They don't talk to me about it either. Like... maybe one conversation. But we don't usually talk about it. When we do, people try to make my thoughts for me. It's really remarkably unfair how I have to hurt this much. Normally when someone doesn't support my sexuality I don't give a shit, just don't vote and I'll be fine. If someone is against substance use ( not abuse ) I usually just shrug them off and don't think about it. Normally when people don't really like my choices, I don't give a shit. It's not your choice to make. But here I am, taking emotional pain from all of these things.
I mean. Most of them are republicans, so all of this should of been expected from the beginning, and yet what they stand for hurts me more than most things do. Why? How is that fair? How is it fair that I'm in such a terrible bad romance. That one day I'm so upset that I delete everyone off my facebook, and the ENTIRE week I regret doing so even though I completely understand why I did it. So I end up creeping on everyones facebook one way or another. But since it's all so private it leads me to just give in and add everyone back. Next thing I know i'm back to hanging out all day, and then the pain sets in again and I get the urge to drop them all again. But now I know I can't even do that.
WHAT.THE.FUCK. seriously.
This is why half of Gaga and Adele's songs seem to click with me these days more so than they ever did before...
I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself. I just really hope I can get some medication for this anxiety. These panic attacks and overwhelming moments of fear are just getting ridiculous.
I honestly can't say I don't regret these past couple months. If I did I would be lying. I appreciate what I've gained from the people I've met but I could seriously do without the pain it caused and is still to this day causing. I am seeing a therapist tomorrow just because I need to talk to a third party who can help me figure shit out. I'm so filled with anxiety and depression these days because of what I put myself through. I shouldn't have done any of that. I should have stayed a cold hearted stone in the world. Apathy was literally the best cure to emotional pain. But now I feel things. Things that feel good, but more often lately are things that feel bad. Very bad.
None of these people even understand. They don't. They don't talk to me about it either. Like... maybe one conversation. But we don't usually talk about it. When we do, people try to make my thoughts for me. It's really remarkably unfair how I have to hurt this much. Normally when someone doesn't support my sexuality I don't give a shit, just don't vote and I'll be fine. If someone is against substance use ( not abuse ) I usually just shrug them off and don't think about it. Normally when people don't really like my choices, I don't give a shit. It's not your choice to make. But here I am, taking emotional pain from all of these things.
I mean. Most of them are republicans, so all of this should of been expected from the beginning, and yet what they stand for hurts me more than most things do. Why? How is that fair? How is it fair that I'm in such a terrible bad romance. That one day I'm so upset that I delete everyone off my facebook, and the ENTIRE week I regret doing so even though I completely understand why I did it. So I end up creeping on everyones facebook one way or another. But since it's all so private it leads me to just give in and add everyone back. Next thing I know i'm back to hanging out all day, and then the pain sets in again and I get the urge to drop them all again. But now I know I can't even do that.
WHAT.THE.FUCK. seriously.
This is why half of Gaga and Adele's songs seem to click with me these days more so than they ever did before...
I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself. I just really hope I can get some medication for this anxiety. These panic attacks and overwhelming moments of fear are just getting ridiculous.
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