Turning Tables

I really can't stand my bad romance these days with people. Like. It should not be physically possible to love people so much that the things they even stand for and and think hurt you. It's like a damn relationship and it's not even a relationship. There is no relationship here. I could understand if I was dating a guy and he suddenly turned into some monster and it was killing me the way he was acting because I clearly liked him a lot. But when it's just a group of friends you really like who tear you to pieces, and they don't even say anything every time you're around them. It's seriously ridiculous.

I honestly can't say I don't regret these past couple months. If I did I would be lying. I appreciate what I've gained from the people I've met but I could seriously do without the pain it caused and is still to this day causing. I am seeing a therapist tomorrow just because I need to talk to a  third party who can help me figure shit out. I'm so filled with anxiety and depression these days because of what I put myself through. I shouldn't have done any of that. I should have stayed a cold hearted stone in the world. Apathy was literally the best cure to emotional pain. But now I feel things. Things that feel good, but more often lately are things that feel bad. Very bad.

None of these people even understand. They don't. They don't talk to me about it either. Like... maybe one conversation. But we don't usually talk about it. When we do, people try to make my thoughts for me. It's really remarkably unfair how I have to hurt this much. Normally when someone doesn't support my sexuality I don't give a shit, just don't vote and I'll be fine. If someone is against substance use ( not abuse ) I usually just shrug them off and don't think about it. Normally when people don't really like my choices, I don't give a shit. It's not your choice to make. But here I am, taking emotional pain from all of these things.

I mean. Most of them are republicans, so all of this should of been expected from the beginning, and yet what they stand for hurts me more than most things do. Why? How is that fair? How is it fair that I'm in such a terrible bad romance. That one day I'm so upset that I delete everyone off my facebook, and the ENTIRE week I regret doing so even though I completely understand why I did it. So I end up creeping on everyones facebook one way or another. But since it's all so private it leads me to just give in and add everyone back. Next thing I know i'm back to hanging out all day, and then the pain sets in again and I get the urge to drop them all again. But now I know I can't even do that.

WHAT.THE.FUCK. seriously.

This is why half of Gaga and Adele's songs seem to click with me these days more so than they ever did before...

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself. I just really hope I can get some medication for this anxiety. These panic attacks and overwhelming moments of fear are just getting ridiculous.