Dear Anonymous

I'm writing this to you because as you already know, I can write everything I'm feeling and thinking in a blog post better than I can personally. I'm not naming names, because that would be weird, uncomfortable for both of us, and because it's unnecessary. Maybe this entire post is but I think you should know everything instead of me bottling it all up, especially since it seems like you can handle most anything I throw your way.

As you know, anonymous, I've been totally crushing on you since I met you. It's a toxic crush really, because obviously nothing will ever happen because your straight. But also for many many more reasons. I was hoping telling you would make things awkward and you would be grossed out and go away and leave me alone so I could get over you easily. I didn't want it to have to be that way, obviously. But it's the only way I can think of to fix this predicament I'm in. You decided to do exactly what I thought you wouldn't do, and you said you didn't care.That made everything even worse because you impressed me with how accepting and loving you can STILL be no matter how awkward I make things.

So now I'm crushing harder than ever, and you're trying harder than ever, and I'm hurting more than ever. You refuse to give up. I refuse to give in. It's something I can't do. What you're asking isn't something that can be done. It's like you're telling me if I jump into a pool that has a plugged in toaster thrown in, I can swim laps with no problem. What you want from me isn't possible. I just can't do it. I wish you would just understand this. I wish I could do it. I really do, but I can't.

I don't think what I'm asking out of you is too ridiculous. I don't think it'd be too hard on your part. I'v known you for a couple months. Nothing I've done could have possibly impacted you nearly as much as you have me, so stop acting like it's a big deal.

The weirdest thing is you aren't even the kind of guy I fall for. There's not really any physical attraction. Everything you stand for is polar opposite of everything I stand for. The only reason I feel this way is because you make me feel safe. You make me feel like everything is going to be ok. I always have someone I can lean on. I can be myself around you. I don't have to pretend around you. I actually feel genuinely loved.

But none of that matters. So why are you tearing me apart like this. Please just go away for my own good, or learn to accept me entirely. When I drink, you're on my mind. When I'm doing drugs, you're on my mind. When I'm sober, you're on my mind. When I'm considering crazy rational actions, you're on my mind. It's not healthy, and it's got to stop. So figure out a good alternative, or you have to leave.